Storm in a teacup.

There is a rainstorm outside. There has been afternoon. I feel weary.
I do not want to pack, I do not want to tidy.
And no, I do not want another cup of coffee.
I don't want to sleep, but I certainly do not want to be awake.
Today is not a good day.
I don't want to leave.
I don't want to say goodbye.

Pitter patter

Ok, well, now it's raining.
And it sounds beautiful and adds no sense of woe to my dreary mood whatsoever. It's like a gentle little song in the background- lullaby raindrops.

This weekend has been lovely but tainted and sad but beautiful. I am sentimental, perhaps overly so sometimes, but this weekend will have been the last trip up North I will make before I leave and it's a little bit heartbreaking. I love it there and I love the ocean and the hills and the estuary and the way the lights of Aberdovey really do twinkle across the water...
And the music and the dancing and the beer and the kitchen music and rambling and red wine and listening and hugging.
It is magic.

But my love remains, no matter how far away.
I wish he could come with with me. I really wish we didn't have to spend so much time apart.

They played music this weekend, I listened, read, remembered. They play beautiful tunes and A writes them all herself from her window overlooking the tumbling hills and the farm. She tells me about the birds and jokes that the dance that the sheep are doing is Breton because they are all in a line. Then the dog runs at them and they scamper in different directions- this one is the Kinnersley Bourrée, where we run at eachother and shriek.

These are all facts.

Then we drink tea and eat biscuits or sit in the garden and name insects and talk about trees and vegetables.

So, as you can imagine this time, the train journey back would probably prove difficult. So.. this time I decided to write a list of my favourite things, in the style of Julie Andrews. That way I wouldn't feel so bad. But I didn't sing them. Which is a pity. But there was a small on the train singing her heart out and I simply didn't want to detract attention.

Instead I kept writing and I now have a 5 page dissertation (in bullet points) of my favourite things.

Which is rather alot more productive than crying until I give my eyes a rash (again), I think. And so I am a little bit proud.

Nevertheless, my life is full of beautiful things.

If it's not raining, it should be.

I am sitting cross-legged in the centre of my bedroom. This is not ideal, mostly becuase I have had no fresh air today. If it's not already raining, it should be, and not just because I am slightly selfish and it would add a touch of pathetic fallacy to today's mood... but the sky is actually screaming for rain and is, in turn, suffocating and heavy.
But that might just be the Mahler I'm listening to.
(Symphony number 4, if anyone's wondering.)

I think I'm coming down with something. Zzz
And I'm getting increasingly antsy about leaving. Why is everybody so lovely?

On the bright side of things, I am recieving Gohonzon in the last week of August! Which is quite exciting, after a whole 2 years! Nam myoho renge kyo!

Tomorrow I go back up North to see my love before we go to Paris next week to stay with a sweet friend and then on to Moulins to do some festivalling and dancing and playing with some beautiful people!

Kittens and Sunshine and Singing for the sea

I'm sitting in my love's back garden with two kittens feeling the cool grass under their paws and the sun on their fur for the very first time! They have their leads on and wide eyes as they chase bugs and potter in the sun! They come back for hugs every few minutes, after all this is scary business. It's all very exciting but they still need their hugs... It's very endearing, this. Looking after baby cats!

Last night they played music to the sea and we danced under the streetlamps. I didn't play because I'm giving my violin and fingers a nap after all their hard work for my Grade 8. The sea wind caught Ceri's harp and it sang and sang! I think the sea hums in Eb. We closed our eyes and pressed our ears agains the humming body of the harp, grinning.

It was beautiful and we ran to the sea and shrieked and danced and danced... Then we ate crumpets and drank ginger beer. I love it here.

The night before we walked so high we could see the sea. And the crunching twigs in the half light, the stream sparkles. The bats singing and the smell of forests at night.

Later we go back down South together to where I live to see my Grandma.. and even she's from cuckoo-clock land, where the hills are alps and snowy and nests and all at the same time. She's just come to visit. I have missed her...

But I do love it here. And the Sea.

And I never had to see them again...

Well, this is me. In a nest of hills in Wales, currently- it's raining, of course.
It's not a shame, but today has been hard.
You see.. I've decided to start a blog (obviously) about what it's like to leave the nest and valleys and mountain tops and find myself in the flattest country in Europe: The Netherlands.

Right now, I don't know what to think. Except I think I'm pining for the dreams I used to have about leaving and independance and soaring over this horrible country that tied me down with strings and forcefed me (godforbid) education! But now all those strings have been cut and I am marginally more wise than when those dreams were concieved, and I'm not sure this nest is as uncomfortable as I thought it was. It was a lot easier when I was bitter. My flight's on the 31st of August.

It seems like a long way away..

The only strings that tie me now are heart strings and they will always stay. Which is so so much harder than the superimposed ties..
I am so so in love with such a wonderful, beautiful man. He breaks my heart. Our relationship is such a magic fusion of intense and sometimes crazy kind gentleness and music! We fit. I love him with ALL of my heart

And even when the strings of education are cut, you're left with their shadows and heart strings with the people you shared your life with for seven years. Too many tears shed by beautiful people that were once teachers, but are now friends, and very good ones indeed...

So here I am. Regretting I didn't wake up sooner, regretting digging my heels in as much as I did, regretting that it took until now to love what I do.