Placelessness

Well, dear world, here we are again. I feel almost obliged to tell you exactly what has happened since I last wrote, although I'm not sure I will because I'm not sure it's entirely necessary.

Since arriving in this country I have built up an immense multi-coloured shield of all kinds of strong, patient and gentle. My kids are just that, my kids...and they shouldn't be. It's one of the biggest and deepest challenges I think I've faced in a very long time if not ever.
The intense gratification and warmth in the bubble of unconditional love of children but the hardest anguish yet- I'm not theirs and they aren't mine and they shouldn't be in the situation where they feel like this. It is as hard for them as it is for me but they aren't yet emotionally equipped to deal with it and sometimes I wonder whether even I am.

It is becoming a force against my morale staying here, but magnet to my heart.

Everybody needs a family and the world is as small as you make it.

'Tis the first thing that will send me to the sea.

Some beautiful music whilst I psyche myself up for this next blog:

These dreams like trees are dark and twisting

http://christinecooper.bandcamp.com/album/these-dreams-like-trees-are-dark-and-twisting

Spinning

It used to make me feel like I was going quite mad.

The Plan

I think they're plotting something.
They may or may not be trying to take over the universe.
Bear with me, I'll elaborate.

Every morning, I put a piece of fruit and something to drink and a cereal bar into a little lunch box and into their backpacks. Today was like every morning, except when I went to retrieve F's bag from its hook, it was surprisingly heavy, for an empty lunchbox. They don't need anything in school when they're 7 or 9- no books no nothing, just a snack. The bag just makes them feel ever so slightly cool.

Anyway, i found a small surprise inside her backpack:

I asked her briefly about the contents of her backpack as she brushed her teeth. She smirked at me. I didn't even know 7 year olds could smirk.
Here we have:
A slingshot, which only just fitted in her bag.
An opera CD of Pinocchio
Some binoculars
A massive calculator
A roll of sellotape
A key
A plastic, golden trophy
A keyring with a bat on it (that J decided he'd steal as he waled out the door to school)
A small wooden box that looks like a baby's toy, when actually it has two holes and a small mirror inside so that you can see around corners.
Two ravaged tennis balls.

They have a plan.
It's scaring me.

Music is good for the soul.

Well...

Today's another day, I suppose, but tying the dog up in a blanket is still not cool, guys. Not cool at all. Maybe a tiny bit funny, but poor Guusjie was crying and wailing for ages until you let me leave the bathroom and wipe all the bubbles off my face. Poor, poor little creature.

What the hell?

What happened?
Are you possessed today?


No, I don't care if you don't want to wear your knickers. You WILL WEAR THEM TO SCHOOL.
No. I don't care if your other au pair let you watch tv all the time. Your mum does NOT like when you watch tv in the mornings you will NOT watch tv and eat. especially seeing as you tipped ICE CREAM ALL OVER THE SOFA LAST NIGHT.
No. I do NOT care that you apologized badly to your sister, you didn't mean it. You do NOT belt her. Even if she did make a stupid face at you.


What the hell are you doing up a TREE?? WHY THE HELL would you ask your little sister to SAW a piece of wood for you? Why the hell are you SAWING WOOD FOR HIM. With a SAW! You just turned SEVEN!
No I DO NOT believe you when you tell me your mum is fine with this. I DO NOT.